Ten Years

February 4, 2018 is the tenth anniversary of when my mom passed away. A whole decade. It's hard to believe.

I didn't originally intend on holding on to it for ten years, but I kept a bottle of my mom's favorite perfume, Chanel #5. She wore it pretty much every day and it's the fragrance that I most associate with my mom. Honestly, it's not my favorite perfume. It's not something that I would wear. When mom died, my aunt actually took the bottle home, but she never opened it and when she died, I kept it, the box sealed, until this morning.

I unwrapped it and hesitated before smelling. Perfume goes off and this had been a decade. What if it soured? Or what if it simply didn't smell the way I remembered?

I sprinkled a few drops on my wrist and it smelled exactly how I remembered, rich and syrupy, with notes of flowers that I can't place. It smells like mom. I used to give her a bottle every year for her birthday and this one I gave to her just a few weeks before the cancer diagnoses, less than four months before she died.

When I was nineteen and at Mills College in Oakland, I drove to San Francisco and bought her birthday bottle at the Chanel boutique. It was wrapped in beautiful, Chanel paper and just felt extra special. Of course, this was the only time that I have been selected for a random screening at the airport and security had to unwrap the present to check it. Luckily, a kind security officer found scotch tape and rewrapped it for me. I should note that this was before 9/11, when security was less intense.

The months between the diagnoses and when she passed were, by far, the worst of my life. I could barely keep it together, but now when I think back on that time, my bad memories are mostly eclipsed by remembering the kindness people showed me. I was so lucky to be working for great managers at Universal, who were flexible with my need for time off to take care of my mom. I never felt stressed about having to miss work. I had friends checking on me every day, calling, sending notes and visiting. None of it went unnoticed or has been forgotten.

One really special package came from my friend Amy, whom I've never met in person, but befriend through our mutual love of books via Bookcrossing. Amy heard that we had to cancel a pedicure appointment because my mom was too sick. and she sent us a home pedicure kit. I was blown away. It was one of the most thoughtful things anyone has ever done for me.

I remember specific details about those months. I remember the last meal I had with my mom before we got her diagnosis; she met me at Universal City Walk for lunch at Tony Romas. The main reason was to give me some hand warmers that she had bought for me to take on my fall trip to Connecticut. I remember going to Starbucks after leaving the doctor's office, when we knew, but she didn't want to talk about it. We drank iced lattes and tried to pretend that everything was normal, but it wasn't.

A few weeks before she died, when she was in the hospital, I made an unfortunate outfit choice and she picked on me. She made me laugh. I had purchased these rain boots with multi-colored hearts all over them and decided to wear a denim mini-skirt, pink sweater, pink tights, and these boots. I thought it was cheerful and I needed cheerful. She thought it was garish and horrible. She was right. She was too tired, too weak to read in the hospital, so I read aloud non-fiction humor books by David Sedaris and Laurie Notaro. Which also made us laugh.

I had a reunion with my childhood friend, Karin, who worked as a breathing specialist and stopped by to give mom treatments. My mom knew her too, so this seemed like an extra blessing.

I don't remember the last conversation that I had with her. I've tried so hard to recall it, but it's just not there. She was awake when I went to dinner with her best friend, Nancy, on the evening of Friday, February 1st. We left the hospital not realizing that it was the last time we would talk with her. We had dinner at Dinah's Chicken and went back to the hospital.

I slept three nights in the hospital, only leaving that weekend to go home and take a quick shower, grab supplies. There was a couch that made into a bed in her room and the nurses were wonderful, checking to make sure that I was doing okay too. Nancy stayed with me and my aunt came down from Tustin. I didn't sleep much and I was too tired to read. I remember spending a majority of the time planning Julie's baby shower, that I was co-throwing with Fanny. I was looking up Martha Stewart-esque party ideas, as my mom's breathing became increasingly shallow and the "death rattle" came.

She passed away on Monday morning. I'm not sure when she actually died, there wasn't anything monitoring her. No flat-line. I remember looking at Nancy and saying that something felt different. I went over to mom and she was absolutely still. I used the intercom to call the nurse and as we waited for the nurse to come, I told my mom that I loved her.

My aunt, who had been sleeping at my mom's house ( ten min away) showed up before the doctor had finished. She felt terrible for not having spent the night with us and it hurts me to think that she carried that burden with her. I know she did.

I remember funny things about that morning. We waited in the hallway, while the nurses dealt with mom's body. When I went back in the room to get my stuff, I couldn't look at her body. I felt repulsed. It was no longer her. I didn't want to be with my aunt or Nancy. I should have stayed with them, they were hurting too, but I just wanted to go back to my apartment in Pasadena. It was a sunny morning and my eyes hurt when I drove home. I didn't have sunglasses. Divorce was inevitable and I pushed my husband away when he tried to console me. I didn't want him at the hospital and I told him to stay at work that morning. To be fair, he tried. I know he cared for my mom and felt hurt too, but I didn't want him as part of my hurt.

I got home and cuddled with my cat, Nicolette, on my bed. I was so tired. Too tired to sleep. Whole body tired. I also felt overwhelming relieved that it was over. Mom had suffered so much in just a few months and the not knowing how much worse it might get, made me suffer too. I felt relieved. Julie called me. She had found out through her parents, who found out through my aunt. She wanted to leave work to come be with me, but I said it was okay. The following weekend she treated me to a day at Burke Williams, where we got massages and took fancy baths in tubs that were side-by-side. They put cucumbers on our eyelids and then gave us a bowl of fruit to eat while in the tub. We started cracking up, because it wasn't so easy to eat fruit with vegetables on our eyelids!

Less than an hour after going home, I got a call regarding organ donation. Mom was an organ donor, but I was shocked with her emaciated, cancer-ridden body, that anything could be of use. It turns out they could use her corneas and I spent an hour on the phone answering medical questions. Mom was organized and she had created a medical folder with her complete medical history, including everything regarding her cancer. I started laughing on the phone, which surprised the medical guy, but I told him that my mom would have been so happy to know that her organization skills were paying off! I could easily answer all of his questions by using the binder. I know she would have been happy.

Fanny came over to be with me. We made yogurt parfaits and sat chatting in my living room. She shared news with me, some of the happiest, most important news that anyone has ever shared with me- she was pregnant! The baby, Rachel, came the following September and she is very special to me. I love being a step-mom to Zoe and Felix, and "Auntie Karen" to all of my friend's kids. I have a lot of kids to love in my life. But I have to say, that Rachel is extra special in my heart and part of that is because I learned about her on that morning. It was the happy news that I needed to hear. Mom would have loved her too.

Mom was a volunteer with the Glendale Police Department and they wanted to help with her Celebration of Life. It ended up being a bit of a big deal. We rented the banquet room at the Elks Lodge and hundreds of people showed up. The chief of police came and so did the police dogs. My mom helped raise money for the police dog program and became close to those officers, K-9 and human. They even got special permission to bring a dog into the hospital the week before she died. This is the last picture I have of my mom. I don't like thinking of her this way, so sick, but I know that she was happy that they bought one of the dogs to visit. It was a really special moment.

We didn't have an actual funeral. Mom had made arrangements for a cremation and burial plot for herself, back when my dad died in the early 80's. Forest Lawn was actually rather shitty to deal with and it just seemed ridiculous to pay thousands of dollars extra to schedule a time to watch her urn be placed in her slot. I declined. I actually went back to work on the day she was supposed to be interred. It was Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday. Even with mom having just died and my marriage falling apart, I was still happy for Valentine's Day. I received multiple flowers from colleagues ( for my mom, not Valentine's Day- That would have been weird) and I had a really great first day back at work. Life was moving on.

I was worried that this tenth anniversary would be horrible, but then I realized something about the date that shifted my thinking. The tenth anniversary of my mom's death, falls on Super Bowl Sunday! Super Bowl Sunday is a magical day of the year. I don't care about football, although my mom did. Super Bowl Sunday is magical, because everything else is empty. It's the best day of the year to do just about anything. I'm hoping, that in honor of my mom, who loved movies, that we will go to a theater and bask in the emptiness of the cinema. I'm really not sure what we will do, but I'm considering it a gift that the tenth anniversary is also on the most magical day of the year. What ever we do, I will be thinking about my mom, missing her and celebrating her by doing something that she would have loved.

I might even splash on a bit of Chanel No. 5.

Turning Forty

Tomorrow, I turn forty. It boggles my mind that another decade has rushed by and that I'm now solidly middle-aged. (gulp). Luckily, most of my friends are going through the same thing, so I'm in good company!

I've been thinking a lot about my mom. She was diagnosed with cancer shortly after I turned thirty and passed six months after my birthday. Her death kicked off my thirties and dramatically changed my life. I was left shattered. I still miss and think of her every single day. As I approach this milestone birthday, I've been missing her even more.

She always claimed that her forties were the best decade of her life. I've been trying to wrap my mind around this, because if you look at some of the crap that she went through, it just seems like an impossible statement. My mom had me a few months before she turned thirty-eight and by the time she was forty-two, my father was asking her for a divorce. They had been married for almost twenty-five years and he was cheating on her. He was also an alcoholic and was planning on taking his half of the house they mutually purchased, leaving her in a financial bind. By all accounts, she was devastated and didn't want a divorce. It turns out, the divorce never happened, because my father killed himself in a scandalous (front page headline news)- murder/suicide with his new girlfriend. So my mom was in her early forties and now a widow/single mom with a toddler. This is all heavy enough, but a few years later my mom was diagnosed with cancer. The cancer came right as she was promoted at work and she had to step-down from her new role. All of this crap happened, so how could she think her forties were so great?

I never had the chance to ask her, so this is just me giving my best guess. I think her forties were extremely difficult, but I think she chose to reframe it. She chose to look to the positive. With my father, she had a husband that she loved very much and married when she was eighteen, but it was also a drama-filled, stressful relationship. He was a mess. With him gone, her life got lighter. She could raise me the way that she wanted, without having to worry about his input or shared custody. She was able to keep her house. For the first time in her adult life, she could do things her way. With the cancer, she beat it. And with her job, other opportunities came along. Although the decade started out rough, I think ultimately her forties were a time where she felt strong and empowered.

I'm not sure what my forties will hold for me, but if my twenties and thirties are any indication, I'm ready to expect the unexpected. Life is amazing and unpredictable. It's a wild ride.

Here is the rollercoaster that were my thirties....

This picture was taken at our family brunch in Pasadena on my thirtieth birthday (August 12, 2007). I'm wedged between my aunt and uncle, who both died in 2013. My mom is in the brown top in the lower-right. She was definitely sick in this picture, massive weight-loss, but had not been diagnosed. My ex-husband, who I divorced a few months after my mom died, is in the lower-left. The woman in the grey-top is a close-family friend, who I'm still in touch with. It's so strange to think a decade later, four of the people in this family picture are gone from my life.

My mom died on February 4, 2008 and had been a volunteer for the senior patrol with the Glendale Police Department. The police department insisted on organizing her funeral, which was pretty incredible with hundreds of people in attendance, including the police chief and K-9 unit. My mom was active in raising money for the dogs! The police department planted a tree in her honor at a local park. Here is a picture of the tree celebration that my aunt and I attended on the Arbor Day in 2008. We are with one of the police officers and my mom's senior patrol partner.

My thirty-first birthday was a big deal, as it was the first birthday without my mom. I had a few celebrations. My aunt and uncle took me to our favorite restaurant: Niuport 17. I also had a party with two of my childhood best-friends, Julie and Fanny. I felt and continue to feel, very loved.

Speaking of feeling loved, many of my friends had their first babies around the time my mom died and I feel honored to have been included as part of their lives. I come from a very small family (I'm the only person left in my family), but I've always felt included as an extra family member in the lives of my friends. I absolutely love being "Auntie" to their kids.

The summer after my thirty-first birthday, my ex-husband officially moved out of the state and we are not in contact. Thankfully, our divorce was amicable and he even stayed to help me renovate my childhood home and waited until it was ready to move into. Although the divorce was absolutely necessary, I'm grateful that he didn't make it harder than it had to be.

By the end of summer, I was living alone for the first time, back in my childhood home.

It was a very difficult transition for me. I'm not someone who easily embraces change and I felt lonely. Luckily I was surrounded by friends and neighbors who refused to leave me alone. No wallowing allowed! It helped that I had a few roommates.

My elderly cat, Spotless. Spotless lived until 2009, having to be put down the week after my birthday. I also got into a car accident the same week, hitting a parked police motorcycle. Of course, I knew the Glendale police officer involved and it was a mortifying experience. He thought it was hilarious and no one was hurt. This picture was taken when Spotless was a kitten. I hope it's needless to say, but just in case...I didn't keep a single piece of my mom's furniture!

I had Nicolette, who is still alive and is now an elderly cat. Here's a picture from when she was still young.

On Easter Sunday in 2009, I found a blue parakeet sitting on the grass in my aunt and uncle's backyard. We couldn't find its owners, so I named him/her Cadbury and bought a green mate, named Jellybean. I had them until 2012, when Jellybean died and I gave Cadbury to my aunt's housekeeper.

Slinky came into my life in the spring of 2010. He was a rescue from a bad situation and I adore him.

Holidays were hard. My mom always made the same turkey meal with the same sides for both Christmas and Thanksgiving. We decided that we needed to change that tradition. We went out to dinner at a restaurant for Thanksgiving and my aunt made prime rib for Christmas. My mom always went nuts with decorating for the holiday, but I kept it simple with a miniature tree. Here are a few pictures from our first Christmas without mom. The dog is my aunt and uncle's pup, Molly. It was not my idea to put clothes on her!

In my early thirties, I was still working for Universal Studios Hollywood, where I spent fifteen years. I loved my job, mostly because of the friends that I made working there. In 2011, I had to leave Universal because of nerve damage. I couldn't type as much as I needed for the office work that I was doing. I was offered an alternative position, but declined, because at that point, I was taking care of my aunt and uncle. They both were declining in health and increasingly needed my help. I even moved my cats to their house, with the intention of moving there permanently.

Here is a picture of me at Universal. My office was in the Simpson's attraction!

My early-thirties were fun: traveling, concerts, plays, theme parks, et... My social life was busy with friends and boyfriends. I'm grateful to say that although none of the relationships ultimately worked out, I dated good men, whom I respect. No jerks! I'm also close friends with nearly everyone that I was friends with when I started my thirties and I've picked up a few new ones.

In early 2012, I met a dashing Brit named Dan. It was a whirlwind. An overwhelming, all-consuming, passionate courtship! Despite both being divorced, we didn't hesitate to move in together after the third date. Crazy right? This meant that I didn't permenantly move to my aunt and uncle's house, but I still spent 3-4 days a week in their home.

Since care-taking was my first responsibility, I worked a few odd-jobs. I had a short stint at my favorite department store: Nordstrom. They were a good company to work for, but I'd rather just shop there. I also worked as a dog walker. It's hard to beat getting paid to play with puppies!

I went on my first trip to Europe in the winter of 2013 to visit Dan's family in England. It was amazing and exceeded my expectations. I've been back six times. In my thirties, I also traveled to = Spain, France, Gibraltar, Sweden, Belgium, Netherlands, Wales, Scotland, Canada (both coasts), Mexico, Haiti, Jamaica and the Cayman Islands. I've visited several states for the first time : Alaska, Utah, Washington, Idaho, Oregon, and Rhode Island. In my thirties, I saw Bryce Canyon, Zion National Park, and Glacier Bay National Park. I rode in a hot air balloon and a seaplane. I went white water rafting and swam with sting rays.

A few weeks after we returned from my first trip to England, my uncle passed away from heart and liver failure. Although not unexpected, it was a devastating loss. I had a really special bond with my uncle.

Dan proposed to me in the summer of 2013 at Highclere Castle in England, which is where they filmed Downton Abbey! We eloped at the Aria in Las Vegas on November 2, 2013.

A month after our wedding, my aunt had a major back surgery. Although the surgery seemed to go well, a week later, her kidneys began to fail. She passed away a few days before Christmas in 2013. It was shocking and so unexpected. Aside for distant relatives that I've never met, my aunt was my last blood relative. I feel really blessed to have had the opportunity to take care of my aunt and uncle before they passed away. It gave me the opportunity to get to know them and to develop a very close relationship, that might not have happened if we hadn't had such a small family. I also got to witness how their friends really loved and helped them. It made me treasure my own friends (extended-family) even more!

Luckily, when I married Dan, I also inherited a large family! I never thought that I'd have kids, but I now have a wonderful stepdaughter and stepson who live in Sweden. They make me laugh, drive me crazy, and surprise me with the most unexpected moments. Truly, they enrich my life in ways I never expected. I have nieces, nephews, sister and brother in-laws, who live in England; a huge extended family whom I love to visit. My mother-in-law has a fabulous sense of humor and loves books as much as I do. I was also very close to my father-in-law, Dave, who passed away in 2016. Early in my relationship with Dan, Dave visited from England and I took him to Disneyland. If you want a crash-corse in getting to know someone, spend an entire day at a busy theme park with them. We had a blast!

Here's a picture of a 2015 mediterranean cruise that we went on with my in-laws and kids.

In 2014, we sold my aunt and uncle's house, which had been their home for my whole life. We used part of the money to buy a fixer-upper second home in Big Bear Lake.

The house is mostly finished now, but we took it down to the studs and spent several years on the renovation project. I also used money from my relatives to go back to school. I completed a three-year fiction writing certificate course through UCLA Extension. I'm proud to say that I finished in two years with taking more classes than required and I finished with honors. I also had my work-in-progress manuscript nominated for the Kirkwood Prize. I'm still working on my manuscript, but I know it will get done in my forties!

Last summer, Dan got offered an amazing job opportunity in Portland, OR. We've spent the last year living in downtown Portland in a high-rise apartment. It has been a huge adjustment and a big adventure. I've spent most of the year working on my manuscript and staying out of the rain.

We had to sell my childhood home when we moved to Oregon. This was really tough for me. Luckily, one of my closest friends was our agent. She helped ease the transition. It also helped that we got a ton of offers that were well-above our asking price and I had a good feeling about the couple we sold to. They even had a cat named Penny!

We are celebrating my birthday in Big Bear Lake with my mother-in-law. At the end of August, we are moving back to Big Bear, as Dan's company is allowing him to try working from home. I don't think Big Bear is likely going to be our home for long, but it will be nice to actually use the home that we spent so much time and energy having renovated. I look forward to starting the next decade of my life back in California!