I work at a bookstore and a few weeks ago, I was shelving, when I came across Tyler Feder’s book, Dancing at the Pity Party: A Dead Mom Graphic Memoir. I opened it up and within a quick scan, I knew that I both needed to read it, and needed to immediately put it down until I was in the comfort of my own home.
I purchased the book and waited until my husband was away on business, knowing that it would be a heavy read. Nothing quite prepared me for Feder’s beautiful and raw memoir about the passing of her mother. Feder was nineteen when her mom passed from cancer and the memoir details the experience of her both her mother’s illness and her passing, along with intimate family memories.
I don’t think that I have had a literary experience quite like this, one that had me sobbing for the duration and one that I related to so intensely. I also lost my mom to cancer, although I was thirty, so a bit older than Feder. However, my dad died when I was four, so I can relate to losing a parent when still a child. The aspect that rang the most true was the awkwardness of the entire situation and having emotions bubble up at unexpected times. Also the sadness and strangeness of seeing your mom become physically and mentally transformed by illness. It’s just horrible. Feder offers some good advice to how one should behave around people experiencing loss and illness, things to say or avoid.
Beyond my personal relatability to Feder’s situation, I also enjoyed meeting her family through the pages. I’m an only child and I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy towards Feder’s relationship with her sisters. This entire book is such a lovely tribute to Feder’s mom and really, her entire family. I enjoyed Feder’s art work, but I was also happy that she included family photographs at the end. I truly felt an intimate connect to their family thought this graphic novel. It’s really beautiful.
Speaking of graphic novels. I had not read any prior to 2022, but this year I have made an effort to branch out with non-fiction graphic novels and I’ve really enjoyed them. The visual aspect makes me feel like I’m at an art exhibition and I like being able to experience the whole piece in a single sitting. I’ve been very impressed with this medium as a form of storytelling, especially for memoir. It’s impactful.
I think everyone should read Dancing at the Pity Party. Yes, it’s emotional and sad. The morning after I read it, I looked like I had been in a battle. My eyes were so swollen from crying. However, it is also funny, hopeful, and full of heart. It’s a great choice for those grieving or caretaking. My mom has been dead for nearly fifteen years and even after all of this time, I still found Feder’s book to be healing. I think this would be a great mother’s day present for someone who has lost their mother. That particular holiday can be so fraught for many. I would have loved to have received this and then, I would have promptly burst into tears!
